Marrying Mary Sue
by Starsky's Strut
Summary: I was asked by the wonderful Starsky and Hutch author, Brit, to write, “The World’s Worst S&H Fanfic Skit,” for Carbrillo Con July 2009. The following script is what I came up with. IF you read it, please remember, it’s SUPPOSED to be bad.


_All usual disclaimers apply. I don't own the rights. I don't get money, and this is for entertainment only. Please excuse any errors; they are entirely mine._

_I was asked by the wonderful Brit to write, "The World's Worst S&H Fanfic Skit," for Carbrillo Con 2009. The following script is what I came up with. As you read it, please remember,_ it's supposed to be bad._ I was asked by a couple of people to post this skit on FFN. So if someone is offended or hates it, it's all their fault. _

_**The Not Ready for Cabrillo Con Players**__ were Bobbie Barkley (Captain Dobey, Bad Guy), e-pony (Hutch), Elflingskitten (Mary Sue), Teddie (Huggy Bear) and me (Starsky), with a special cameo by Brit (as Diane the barmaid). Yes, there is video of it. No, you can't see it. Well, not unless you pay each of us one million dollars. LOL. Or, better yet, plan on attending the next Cabrillo Con in 2011. _

**Marrying Mary Sue  
**By Starsky's Strut

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**(Scene****:**_** The precinct – Starsky and Hutch's desk) **_

**Starsky:**_ (Dreamy/smitten look on his face)_ Hutch, you've _got_ to meet this woman I just met down in booking. She's just soooo… _*__**Sighs**__*__ (Clasps his hands over his heart__.)_

**Hutch****:** (_Scoffing)_ Don't tell me, you've fallen in love again.

**Starsky:** _(Still dreamy; bats eyes)_ I've fallen in love again.

**Hutch:** _(Cranky)_ I asked you not to tell me that. You met her in booking? What is she? A lady of the night?

**Starsky:** _(Defensive)_ Don't talk about her that way! But you're half right. She _is_ a lady. I fell in love at first sight. I loved, trusted and respected her right away. It was instantaneous. Our chemistry rivals that of our partnership. Besides, Gillian was a lady of the night.

**Hutch:** _(Nods; sighs)_ Wow. I see your point. I haven't met her, but she sounds perfect. I wonder if she has a sister, for then we would be brothers-in-law, which is nearly as good as being brothers in all but blood.

**Starsky:**_ (Nods and they touch foreheads)_

_(They part)_

**Hutch:** I haven't met her, and already I love, trust and respect her. _*__**Sighs again**__* _I sure hope she has a sister or maybe even a best friend that I could marry. _(Bats eyes and clasps hands over his heart)_ Wouldn't that be swell?

**Starsky****:** Yeah, swell. _*__**Sighs**__*_ She's even better than Terry. Can you believe it?

**Hutch:** _(Gasps, shocked)_ Your dead girlfriend that no one could ever replace? I can't _believe _it!

**Starsky****:** Believe it, because it's true!

**Dobey:** _(Entering room)_ I just hired a new female detective. I met her just now in the hall, and already I love, trust and respect her. She just got here, and she's already an asset to the force.

x x x x

**(Scene:**_** The Pits, Huggy's bar)**_

**Huggy:** _(Hands Mary Sue a drink)_ Hi, Mary Sue! I just met you, and I must tell you that I love, trust and respect you. Is that strange to say?

**Mary Sue:** _(Flips her raven tresses and bats her eyes_) No, not at all. Happens all the time, in fact. Must be the rough start I had in life. Everyone can sense that, and so everyone loves, trusts and respects me. _*****__**Blushes**__*****_ I was talking to some of the cops today, and even though I just met Starsky, I know I would be the perfect girlfriend for Starsky and/or Hutch. I can shoot better than both of them and out-detective the whole precinct. _***Blushes again***_ I'm not bragging, simply telling the truth.

**Huggy: **Of course not, Mary Sue. Anyone can see that.

_(Dobey, Starsky and Hutch walk into The Pits)_

**Starsky:** Ah, here she is! Hutch, you haven't met her yet. This _(sweeps hand out_) is Mary Sue.

**Hutch:** _(Shakes Mary Sue's hand warmly_) Starsky told me you two had met. You _are _perfect for Starsky. You two should get married – the sooner, the better.

**Huggy:** Hey! You can do it right here and right now. I'm a minister, just got my license last week.

**Starsky:** How fortunate! _(Kneels before Mary Sue)_ Would you do me the honor?

**Mary Sue:** This is all so sudden, but, yes… yes, I will marry you. _(They clasp hands and look dreamily into each others eyes)_

**Dobey:** _(Intercedes, with humor and consternation)_ Hey, you crazy kids! Have a little decency and get a room.

**Starsky:** (_Bogey accent)_ We sure will, shweet-heart.

**Mary Sue: **(_Bats his arm_) Oh, you!

**Huggy:** _(His face scrunches, as the obvious occurs to him)_ Um, ya know, my main men, maybe we should all take a step back. Something ain't right here. Don't you think this is happening too quickly? I mean, _**why **_do we all love, trust and respect her? We just _**met**_her. What do we know about her? I could check the word on the street. She could be a black widow, a stalker, a serial Mary Sue who goes around marrying her favorite character everywhere she goes….

**Starsky, Hutch and Dobey:** (_Yell in unison)_ **NO!** Never question the Mary Sue! Blasphemer!

**Mary Sue:** (_Steps next to Huggy and bats her eyes)_ I don't know _what_ I could have done to upset you.

**Huggy:** (_Instantly falls back under her spell_) I don't know what came over me. Okay, let's have that wedding! Diane!

(_Diane the barmaid enters)_

_(Diane tosses the bouquet to Mary Sue, and Hutch somehow has the rings. Everyone arranges_ _themselves in the standard formation, with Hutch at Starsky's side. Huggy grabs Bible from out of nowhere) _

**Huggy:** (_Looks at Starsky)_ Do you?

**Starsky: **You bet!

**Mary Sue:** Me, too!

**Huggy:** I now pronounce you man and wife. _(Looks at Hutch)_ And partners.

_(They all laugh)_

**Dobey:** That's a great idea, Huggy! And I pronounce you all three partners. You can hit the streets together. The dynamic trio!

_(Everyone nods; it IS a great idea!) _

**Hutch, Dobey and Huggy:** _(Singing) _

_Well hello, Mary Sue; good bye heart.  
Sweet Mary Sue, I'm so in love with you.  
I knew, Mary Sue, we'd never part.  
So hello, Mary Sue; good bye heart!_

x x x x

(**Scene: **_**Several months later – in a building somewhere)**_

_(Bad guy enters sneakily, looks about and hides)_

_(Enter Mary Sue _[obviously pregnant – use a pillow]_, Hutch and Starsky, chasing bad guy and using fingers for guns) _

**Hutch:** _(Looks about)_ He has to be in here somewhere. Everyone keep your eyes peeled.

**Starsky: **Ever wonder exactly what that means?

**Hutch:** _(Long-suffering sigh)_ Gordo…

(_A shot rings out – someone shouts, "BANG!") _

**Starsky:** (_Drops to the ground, yelling)_ I'm hit! I'm hit! (_Whines)_ Why is it always _me_ that gets shot?

**Hutch:** (_Dashes to Starsky's side_) I got shot once.

**Starsky: **Yeah, six inches from your heart. You know where that is? Your armpit!

**Hutch:** _(Mutters, his feelings hurt) _Hey! The skin is really sensitive there.

**Starsky:** Well, I've been shot in the shoulder, got a crease to the head – same shooting, mind you. Plus, I got it in the leg and got shot _five_ times by Gunther's goons.

**Hutch:** _(Puzzled)_ Did that happen already?

**Starsky:** I can't remember. What timeline are we following anyway?

**Hutch:** Well, is this story pre-Gunther or post-Gunther?

**Starsky: **Um…

**Mary Sue: **I see the bad guy! (_Shoots in the air; says, "BANG!"_) Come out of there, you turkey!

**Bad Guy:** (_Drops gun_) Don't shoot! I love, trust and respect you. I give up!

**Starsky:** (_Gusty sigh_) Isn't she wonderful?

**Hutch:** (_Gusty sigh_) She _sure_ is. I'm so glad she's our partner. We couldn't have caught him without her.

_(Mary Sue beams as she waddles off, the love-struck bad guy in tow_)

**Starsky:** (_Coughs weakly)_ Hey, babe?

**Hutch:** Yeah, buddy?

**Starsky:** If I don't make it… (_coughs again)_

**Hutch: **(_Upset, angry) _Of course, you'll make it. You _always_ do. Look at all the times you've been shot – not only on the TV show, but all the times fanfic writers have had you shot, tortured, assaulted, sick, molested – and you've always pulled through!

**Starsky:** Blintz, I'm serious. If I don't make it… (_coughs again_) I-I want you to promise me something.

**Hutch:** (_Serious_) Sure, partner. What is it? (_Clasps Starsky's hand in his own_)

**Starsky:** (_Earnest_) I want you to marry Mary Sue. Raise our child as your own.

**Hutch:** _(Solemn): _Okay. And I will name our child Starsky Hutchinson – even if it's a_ girl_.

**The End**


End file.
